Motherhood Officers Rite of Passage Take 1.
I was speaking with a fellow Officer of Momhood recently and she described in detail the moments that Momhood and Parenthood is in fact an order and there is an official rites of passage as well as clear list of things that each parent goes through.
Here is a list of things that she and I confirmed are the official initial requirements and things to live through in this amazing, precious, beautiful, and blessed journey that is an astonishing gift and nothing could ever compare to. … Oh here just read the darn thing… I have to go do something. By the way, this list is for those that have children to the age of approximately 8 (or know someone who has them). We are still finding time to (and our therapy sessions) to compile the list from ages 8-13… wish us luck.
Boogers on couches and walls with the happy “conversation” with the child advising why those shouldn’t be placed there.
Odd things in the toilet like bottle caps, matchbox cars, money, and something that shouldn’t be in the toilet but I flushed it anyways
Explaining where cars go when they get flushed down the toilet and that they will not be coming back. That was interesting and I discovered how much imagination I still had left in the old noggin
Marker on the walls (yes ironically this is not where markers are used, amazing I thought so too right, of course we find the adult markers and use them on the freshly painted walls, kitchen table, kitchen counter, bedroom wall, and very pretty job in the bathroom too – Nice!)
Scoring the Vicks Vapor Rub on the crib because apparently mom left it on top of the changing table and it was there. So why not open it, smear it, eat it, wear it, do it all! Yeah go ahead… no worries – it will take only 6 baths do get you back to normal and smelling normal too…
Vacuum cleaner exploding from the disturbing items that it just ate (later after the vacuum autopsy was performed it was discovered the cause of the explosion was the following: Lego bits, old Cookie Crisp cereal, parts of pens that had been taken apart, and what appears to be parts of those little plastic (once again amazing and brilliant gift from above) McDonald’s toy figures, popsicle sticks… oh and for the sake of the autopsy most items had also then been chewed on by the dog)
Tantrums in stores. No store in particular but be prepared and you WILL and NEED to go through this… in ALL of them; be prepared that to satisfy the rite of passage you will go thru each of these scenarios (you ready?): especially when it is busy, when it is the holidays, when the store is about to close, when you are in a hurry, when you have your in-laws coming over, when you have a migraine, when you have a “single/childless” friend with you, you have forgotten your list or your checkbook for that matter (or both), you have to pee, they have a dirty diaper or have forgotten they no longer where pull-ups – this is generally the best time they start to tantrum. I believe they think it fits in with the whole “glorious moment of heavenly bliss” Yeah for tantrums! (whatever)
Learning another language to understand the kids medicine aisle oh and while mentioning the kids medicine aisle what type of twisted parents or older kids (yeah we will get to that list another time) have abused and taken advantage of the kids medicine aisle that I now must stand in line at the pharmacy with a cardboard cutout of the type of medicine that may or may not work with its child like pictures and words like (nighttime soothing – whatever crap) I need for the beautiful precious child in the cart with me, who at that very moment looks possibly like Chuckies little brother with his puffy eyes, very odd colored boogers (and clumpy ones) coming out of his nose, something odd on his cheek and chin with red bumps and obvious fever screaming from his very being, his hair sticking in all directions (and nothing is in it for the stellar style it has become) Yes in those moments the one thing I get excited for, revel in and simply can’t wait to do is wait in line at the pharmacy because some other people decided it would be good to have “fun” with the medicine. Here come with me; I’ll show you fun and medicine while my helpless child sits there in pain and discomfort that you have chosen to assist in prolonging.
Throw up in the bed and throw up in the face, you will in this moment have a split second individual reaction that is not about motherhood it is about how you are swallowing your own vomit because you realize how gross and the smell and it all… then the rite of passage is this: to suck it up (well not literally) and forget about how gross it all is and help the now throw-up and poop ridden child into the tub and calmly let them know it will be alright.
Old (used) pull-ups hidden in the toy box, this one I am just going to leave as is
Corn starch covered dogs this one is just a reminder. Child proof everything. EVERYTHING. Not just the dangerous, poisonous, expensive… I mean EVERYTHING. They will and are designed to find a way to get everything that they are not supposed to and check to see if the dogs like it as much as they do.
Carving of initials on kitchen counter this will occur with child scissors, empty mechanical pencils, Lego’s that have become conveniently sharpened from the dogs chewing on them
Telling of total strangers that you – the parent properly used the bathroom this morning (that’s right – you the adult – good job by the way and Congratulations)
Learning yet another language when the doctor explains what is lodged in your child’s ear, nose, and throat. (yes I said and not or) These will be items like food, food, and generally, more food. There may also be the random broken pieces from a McDonald’s toy. Good Luck and no quick movements. (Oh and heads-up – the Dr. will not be giving them a sedative while they remove so bring earplugs and arm restraints, you will be quite prepared then)
Finding Goldfish crackers under the Back seat in the car and being told that they are there for safe keeping and that sometimes they snack on them while I drive. Ewww and Ick. I may have just shuttered and threw up in mouth a bit.
Discover them drinking the water in their bath (when you turn and grab a towel out of the closet and turn around to see your adorably, now clean child – they will be sucking on washcloths, the soap, the toys, and then there is always just drinking right out of the cup that you so lovely just used to rinse the no tears shampoo off their hair. Yes this is the same moment you will realize that they probably peed in the tub (oh look there is proof they did more than pee…) it is like the Oreo on the floor – 5 second rule… get them out in 5 seconds and they are still considered clean. Just don’t go telling anyone you did it.
Explaining why the bird died in the garage and how you (the parent) did NOT kill it. Right, that one was fun and again leaving it up to your imagination how it came to fruition. It will not matter if the bird was an idiot and flew straight into the garage to the back wall and slammed into it and then flew right behind the cupboards – again intentionally… yeah and I am the one being questioned for her decisions. Right.
Handling the infamous where do baby’s come from question. So far this is: God made a very special way for baby’s to come into the world. And when you are a little older we will talk about how very special God made everyone’s parts. (This will not satisfy them so follow it with) God made parts for daddies and mommies and like Lego’s when you put the parts together they make something new. (This one has lasted for a few months and hopefully will give us more time to fine tune whatever and however the official conversation will be someday)
Then following that wonderful, completely comfortable conversation with “So girls have different parts than boys”… obviously the prior question was not nearly as clear and comfortable as humanly desired so I make it simple. “Listen up – boys have outside parts, girls have inside parts. The End. When you are older there will be more explained and more answers.” (Now to all of you who have gone thru the Rite of Passage you know that this topic has no clear cut wording or process – you must handle with the anticipation and joy that says “Yes this will happen, I am so excited to talk to my offspring about where they came from” Good grief… Happy Hour please.
Be prepared to also answer the following questions:
Why do farts smell?
Do mommy’s leave toots too? (and then them telling the people at the grocery store the answer to that – so no worries - not embarrassing in the least)
Why do burps happen and how can they make them louder
Explaining that the “dirt” that is on their shoes is in fact dog stuff and then explaining that it actually isn’t funny how mommy’s face looked right after she smelled it.
Why they shouldn’t touch the eggs in the bird’s nest
What mommy and daddy were doing late last night
Why is it called an adult beverage
What happens to clouds
Why don’t the shapes stay the same in the clouds
Why can’t we go see if the Pot-o-gold is at the rainbow over there
Why isn’t it healthy to eat Pizza every night (I have been told that this will be a questions asked for years and years)
If mommy played with dolls when she was little and why or why not
Did mommy like ice-cream and where did you buy it at
Why they can’t use the hair conditioner (the whole bottle) to clean the bathroom floor, followed by
What is in the hair conditioner mom that makes it so slippery, and then finally
Do you need me to get you a band aid mom from where you fell on the bathroom floor
Why worms are not awesome pets
Why mice should not be allowed in the house
Why there are locks on the bathroom door and on certain TV channels
Why there isn’t more mail for them and when will they get all the bills followed by trying to get a 6 year old to understand that it actually isn’t “fun” and “cool” to get a bill… he didn’t believe me
Where the stars sleep at during the day
Why the sun sleeps longer when it is cold
Why can’t we have snow and also have the pool set up
When will it be the day when they can do a movie, dinner, theme park, and then another movie –(un never… unless we win the lottery)
That last one leads to – why don’t you buy more lottery tickets. Why do you only buy one when the number is really big? Don’t you want to win it when it is the normal $10Million – (I respond: “No that wouldn’t work as well… “Whatever…I didn’t say that, I did however say “You’re pretty smart there kiddo! That does sound more logical” (yet I still don’t buy the darn thing )
No, water is not the only thing healthy for you
Why everything healthy to eat always has so much more color. If that is the case why can’t they eat more candy and gumballs
Now I could go on and on and on and on… just like they do… but I won’t… at least not for now.
Good luck on the Rite of Passage thing. You’ll need it and blessings, God, karma, faith, trust, patience, and every once in a while maybe a night out at Happy Hour, or a great Tylenol PM (do not put the last 2 together) (also the last 2 are not suggested if ANYONE in the house has a cold of any sorts) My other Momhood Officers and I are still compiling all the things that are most challenging and most amazing and will share more of them soon!
DevinAnne ©
Here is a list of things that she and I confirmed are the official initial requirements and things to live through in this amazing, precious, beautiful, and blessed journey that is an astonishing gift and nothing could ever compare to. … Oh here just read the darn thing… I have to go do something. By the way, this list is for those that have children to the age of approximately 8 (or know someone who has them). We are still finding time to (and our therapy sessions) to compile the list from ages 8-13… wish us luck.
Boogers on couches and walls with the happy “conversation” with the child advising why those shouldn’t be placed there.
Odd things in the toilet like bottle caps, matchbox cars, money, and something that shouldn’t be in the toilet but I flushed it anyways
Explaining where cars go when they get flushed down the toilet and that they will not be coming back. That was interesting and I discovered how much imagination I still had left in the old noggin
Marker on the walls (yes ironically this is not where markers are used, amazing I thought so too right, of course we find the adult markers and use them on the freshly painted walls, kitchen table, kitchen counter, bedroom wall, and very pretty job in the bathroom too – Nice!)
Scoring the Vicks Vapor Rub on the crib because apparently mom left it on top of the changing table and it was there. So why not open it, smear it, eat it, wear it, do it all! Yeah go ahead… no worries – it will take only 6 baths do get you back to normal and smelling normal too…
Vacuum cleaner exploding from the disturbing items that it just ate (later after the vacuum autopsy was performed it was discovered the cause of the explosion was the following: Lego bits, old Cookie Crisp cereal, parts of pens that had been taken apart, and what appears to be parts of those little plastic (once again amazing and brilliant gift from above) McDonald’s toy figures, popsicle sticks… oh and for the sake of the autopsy most items had also then been chewed on by the dog)
Tantrums in stores. No store in particular but be prepared and you WILL and NEED to go through this… in ALL of them; be prepared that to satisfy the rite of passage you will go thru each of these scenarios (you ready?): especially when it is busy, when it is the holidays, when the store is about to close, when you are in a hurry, when you have your in-laws coming over, when you have a migraine, when you have a “single/childless” friend with you, you have forgotten your list or your checkbook for that matter (or both), you have to pee, they have a dirty diaper or have forgotten they no longer where pull-ups – this is generally the best time they start to tantrum. I believe they think it fits in with the whole “glorious moment of heavenly bliss” Yeah for tantrums! (whatever)
Learning another language to understand the kids medicine aisle oh and while mentioning the kids medicine aisle what type of twisted parents or older kids (yeah we will get to that list another time) have abused and taken advantage of the kids medicine aisle that I now must stand in line at the pharmacy with a cardboard cutout of the type of medicine that may or may not work with its child like pictures and words like (nighttime soothing – whatever crap) I need for the beautiful precious child in the cart with me, who at that very moment looks possibly like Chuckies little brother with his puffy eyes, very odd colored boogers (and clumpy ones) coming out of his nose, something odd on his cheek and chin with red bumps and obvious fever screaming from his very being, his hair sticking in all directions (and nothing is in it for the stellar style it has become) Yes in those moments the one thing I get excited for, revel in and simply can’t wait to do is wait in line at the pharmacy because some other people decided it would be good to have “fun” with the medicine. Here come with me; I’ll show you fun and medicine while my helpless child sits there in pain and discomfort that you have chosen to assist in prolonging.
Throw up in the bed and throw up in the face, you will in this moment have a split second individual reaction that is not about motherhood it is about how you are swallowing your own vomit because you realize how gross and the smell and it all… then the rite of passage is this: to suck it up (well not literally) and forget about how gross it all is and help the now throw-up and poop ridden child into the tub and calmly let them know it will be alright.
Old (used) pull-ups hidden in the toy box, this one I am just going to leave as is
Corn starch covered dogs this one is just a reminder. Child proof everything. EVERYTHING. Not just the dangerous, poisonous, expensive… I mean EVERYTHING. They will and are designed to find a way to get everything that they are not supposed to and check to see if the dogs like it as much as they do.
Carving of initials on kitchen counter this will occur with child scissors, empty mechanical pencils, Lego’s that have become conveniently sharpened from the dogs chewing on them
Telling of total strangers that you – the parent properly used the bathroom this morning (that’s right – you the adult – good job by the way and Congratulations)
Learning yet another language when the doctor explains what is lodged in your child’s ear, nose, and throat. (yes I said and not or) These will be items like food, food, and generally, more food. There may also be the random broken pieces from a McDonald’s toy. Good Luck and no quick movements. (Oh and heads-up – the Dr. will not be giving them a sedative while they remove so bring earplugs and arm restraints, you will be quite prepared then)
Finding Goldfish crackers under the Back seat in the car and being told that they are there for safe keeping and that sometimes they snack on them while I drive. Ewww and Ick. I may have just shuttered and threw up in mouth a bit.
Discover them drinking the water in their bath (when you turn and grab a towel out of the closet and turn around to see your adorably, now clean child – they will be sucking on washcloths, the soap, the toys, and then there is always just drinking right out of the cup that you so lovely just used to rinse the no tears shampoo off their hair. Yes this is the same moment you will realize that they probably peed in the tub (oh look there is proof they did more than pee…) it is like the Oreo on the floor – 5 second rule… get them out in 5 seconds and they are still considered clean. Just don’t go telling anyone you did it.
Explaining why the bird died in the garage and how you (the parent) did NOT kill it. Right, that one was fun and again leaving it up to your imagination how it came to fruition. It will not matter if the bird was an idiot and flew straight into the garage to the back wall and slammed into it and then flew right behind the cupboards – again intentionally… yeah and I am the one being questioned for her decisions. Right.
Handling the infamous where do baby’s come from question. So far this is: God made a very special way for baby’s to come into the world. And when you are a little older we will talk about how very special God made everyone’s parts. (This will not satisfy them so follow it with) God made parts for daddies and mommies and like Lego’s when you put the parts together they make something new. (This one has lasted for a few months and hopefully will give us more time to fine tune whatever and however the official conversation will be someday)
Then following that wonderful, completely comfortable conversation with “So girls have different parts than boys”… obviously the prior question was not nearly as clear and comfortable as humanly desired so I make it simple. “Listen up – boys have outside parts, girls have inside parts. The End. When you are older there will be more explained and more answers.” (Now to all of you who have gone thru the Rite of Passage you know that this topic has no clear cut wording or process – you must handle with the anticipation and joy that says “Yes this will happen, I am so excited to talk to my offspring about where they came from” Good grief… Happy Hour please.
Be prepared to also answer the following questions:
Why do farts smell?
Do mommy’s leave toots too? (and then them telling the people at the grocery store the answer to that – so no worries - not embarrassing in the least)
Why do burps happen and how can they make them louder
Explaining that the “dirt” that is on their shoes is in fact dog stuff and then explaining that it actually isn’t funny how mommy’s face looked right after she smelled it.
Why they shouldn’t touch the eggs in the bird’s nest
What mommy and daddy were doing late last night
Why is it called an adult beverage
What happens to clouds
Why don’t the shapes stay the same in the clouds
Why can’t we go see if the Pot-o-gold is at the rainbow over there
Why isn’t it healthy to eat Pizza every night (I have been told that this will be a questions asked for years and years)
If mommy played with dolls when she was little and why or why not
Did mommy like ice-cream and where did you buy it at
Why they can’t use the hair conditioner (the whole bottle) to clean the bathroom floor, followed by
What is in the hair conditioner mom that makes it so slippery, and then finally
Do you need me to get you a band aid mom from where you fell on the bathroom floor
Why worms are not awesome pets
Why mice should not be allowed in the house
Why there are locks on the bathroom door and on certain TV channels
Why there isn’t more mail for them and when will they get all the bills followed by trying to get a 6 year old to understand that it actually isn’t “fun” and “cool” to get a bill… he didn’t believe me
Where the stars sleep at during the day
Why the sun sleeps longer when it is cold
Why can’t we have snow and also have the pool set up
When will it be the day when they can do a movie, dinner, theme park, and then another movie –(un never… unless we win the lottery)
That last one leads to – why don’t you buy more lottery tickets. Why do you only buy one when the number is really big? Don’t you want to win it when it is the normal $10Million – (I respond: “No that wouldn’t work as well… “Whatever…I didn’t say that, I did however say “You’re pretty smart there kiddo! That does sound more logical” (yet I still don’t buy the darn thing )
No, water is not the only thing healthy for you
Why everything healthy to eat always has so much more color. If that is the case why can’t they eat more candy and gumballs
Now I could go on and on and on and on… just like they do… but I won’t… at least not for now.
Good luck on the Rite of Passage thing. You’ll need it and blessings, God, karma, faith, trust, patience, and every once in a while maybe a night out at Happy Hour, or a great Tylenol PM (do not put the last 2 together) (also the last 2 are not suggested if ANYONE in the house has a cold of any sorts) My other Momhood Officers and I are still compiling all the things that are most challenging and most amazing and will share more of them soon!
DevinAnne ©
Comments