Poppi's and Childrens Views on Frienship
I started this a while back and never finished it until I found some pictures this morning of my Poppi and me from a trip we once took together... made me remember this writing and the need to finish it.
To teach a child of friendship, the meaning, the fun, the laughter, the truths, and the challenges should never be forced, I believe it to be a cosmic attraction of personalities, energy, innocence, and desire to play and companionship. Now don’t get me wrong… sometimes teaching them about friendship – well it would be easier how to get them to always pick up their toys or eat all of the veggies (or any veggies for that matter)… I think as each of us get older we find “reasons” why people are our friends and why we won’t be friends with others… we also get a very “biased” view on what friendship is… some give all, some give nothing, some assume, some judge, and before you know it there is one less friend… not to mention true friends when you are young they are a dime a dozen.. now – one true, loyal to a fault, genuine, honest, respect giving, character beyond all else friend – well if you have one of those you need to know you have won the lottery. Appreciate it, care for it, contribute to it, be patient with it, develop it, be honest, never manipulate it, and above all else respect the friendship. Truly Respect it. Exiting soap box now to bring this down to how the conversation went with my children over the past few months – all combined into one reading for you… kids are great – no drama, no “hidden” meanings, no assumptions, no judging, nope – they don’t have time for the adult nonsense and “game play” just straight forward honest and reality check central… they have asked me the following questions in regards to friendship. What is attitude, what is personality, what is loyalty, what is genuine sincerity… because if you can’t see these traits and can’t touch or hear them then why and how do they exist… see how this can be turned into a philosophical moment with a 6 and 8 year old?
Me: Attitude with friends is how you look at them, how you sound with your words, what words you choose, and how you talk about them when they are not around.
They don’t respond – just keep staring at me with a look that says “maybe she’ll say something interesting”
Me: Personality inside of friendship is this – that each person has a different personality – just like each person is made different like snowflakes.
Boys: So personalities are like snowflakes and legos each different and each can go together if it is the right fit?
Now you’d think then the conversation would be complete on personality and its’ relationship to friendship and how very impressed I am with my children (yes I am impressed), however this part I find is far from complete. Here are the questions that arise off of this…
Boys: What if personalities don’t click like different size legos don’t’ click together?
(I pause… knowing that in their life they will find out that sadly many times legos, I mean friendships, don’t click and fit)
Me: I have seen this happen in my long life and Mommy doesn’t really have all the answers on this one because I am still learning about it all, but what I do know is patience, kindness, trust, loyalty, honesty, respect can be a part of anyone’s personality if they choose so all personalities should be able to “click like legos”
Boys: Why don’t they then? Why don’t they all click, what is wrong?
I now, in this specific moment, know what my mother meant when I was young “You may not understand now but someday you will… honey you should never have to explain friendship it should just “be”, but someday you will have to because acceptance of a person’s looks, beliefs, background, family, financial status, life goals, and more will become a challenge and a challenge that some people as they grow up will lose at times because they have closed their eyes to it and they have lost the ability to be fair, balanced, and respectful to everyone”
So back to the conversation with boys… I now know what my mom was trying to tell me… I hope
Me: Because sometimes each person may have a moment of selfishness and do something for themselves first instead of looking out for their friends…like when you are playing scooters and you race to the front even though you know your friend will get knocked over…
They both looked at me with eyes that said “We would never do that… (yeah right I tell them… people are human and we just need to know when we make a choice like that if you feel bad – sincerely bad and know it was wrong that you must own it, acknowledge it, apologize and move on)…
Me: Listen you are going to have lots of friends and you should treat and talk to all of them the same – with respect, sincerity, kindness, and know that if you do something that wasn’t right – make sure to show your friend how sorry you feel and how bad you feel (but only do it if you mean it – never ever fake an apology just to be “friends” again, because then you aren’t being a good friend – you are lying to yourself and them.. not nice)
Boys: What happens if we don’t want to be friends with someone?
Me: Well, I guess you need to figure out why you don’t want to be friends and then you need to decide if that is a good enough reason or if there is other reasons that you can talk about and maybe work it out… now if this friend is doing naughty things or mean things to themselves or others – first be safe, second let them know you don’t agree and if they don’t change then don’t be around them anymore
Boys: Does that mean that we aren’t their friend anymore? Does that mean that now we are the mean ones?
Here is where I have an ah-ha moment from what my mom had said
Me: If you let them know you care about them but that you don’t support what they are doing you are not a bad friend or the mean one – you are being honest with them and you are standing for yourself and what is right.
Boys: Yeah, mom – we don’t get it, it still doesn’t make sense…
Me: I know, someday it might and probably will and until then keep asking questions and always be true to yourself, work on using the right words and respecting all people.
Boys: Can we go play outside now?
Me: Of course… behave, be nice, and have fun.
Reflecting on it all as they run out to the yard this is what my thoughts are:
I have many things to learn in my old age of 30something, but I know these things for rock solid truth: My best friend is my husband, my world is my children, my internal core is my belief in God, and my future is anything I believe it to be. There are still many things that will be discovered about friendship. I think of my Poppi who at the age of 91 traveled with me to his home state of Ohio to visit Grammy’s grave and see 2 friends that they had known for over 50 years. He told me on the plane trip there that he knew this was going to be the last time he would see them and he wanted them to know that he appreciated them even though they didn’t always agree with him. He said that he wanted them to know that they were true friends and they made his life and Grammy’s life better. I remember tearing up when he told me all this, I remember crying as I watched them sit in the hotel lobby talking and laughing, I cried even harder, sitting in the other room, as I watched them say good bye… but the thing is: yes they were choked up but the hug and handshake - they were filled with something we in todays time forget - pure and genuine simplicity - simple… Poppi looked at both, leaned on his walker as they slowly stood with their individual cane and walker, took their hands and said “It was great to see you today – thank you for being a great friend” and then they left… Poppi told me on the way home later on some of the stories and disagreements they had all had years ago and that as they got older the companionship of friendship just became needed more and that the disagreements and different views didn’t mean as much… Poppi then said “That’s what happens when you get really old like me – you figure out that throughout your whole life – you never really had anything figured out, and then the bigger kick in the ass is this, by the time you do figure it out it is time to move on to the next life… that is why I knew I needed to take any chance I could while still here on this earth to let them know how I felt. Remember that honey, all the nonsense and BS is always going to be around, as long as you let it...”
So in closing:
Poppi was the best. Be a true friend, never judging, never assuming, always honest, always caring, and if by chance you are human and do what humans do (we mess up folks... it is part of being human!) Show true character: Own it and move on, letting all go… I guess that 6 and 8 year olds have something very in common with those ready for the “next life” (as Poppi called it)… simply friend with no nonsense in the mix.
To teach a child of friendship, the meaning, the fun, the laughter, the truths, and the challenges should never be forced, I believe it to be a cosmic attraction of personalities, energy, innocence, and desire to play and companionship. Now don’t get me wrong… sometimes teaching them about friendship – well it would be easier how to get them to always pick up their toys or eat all of the veggies (or any veggies for that matter)… I think as each of us get older we find “reasons” why people are our friends and why we won’t be friends with others… we also get a very “biased” view on what friendship is… some give all, some give nothing, some assume, some judge, and before you know it there is one less friend… not to mention true friends when you are young they are a dime a dozen.. now – one true, loyal to a fault, genuine, honest, respect giving, character beyond all else friend – well if you have one of those you need to know you have won the lottery. Appreciate it, care for it, contribute to it, be patient with it, develop it, be honest, never manipulate it, and above all else respect the friendship. Truly Respect it. Exiting soap box now to bring this down to how the conversation went with my children over the past few months – all combined into one reading for you… kids are great – no drama, no “hidden” meanings, no assumptions, no judging, nope – they don’t have time for the adult nonsense and “game play” just straight forward honest and reality check central… they have asked me the following questions in regards to friendship. What is attitude, what is personality, what is loyalty, what is genuine sincerity… because if you can’t see these traits and can’t touch or hear them then why and how do they exist… see how this can be turned into a philosophical moment with a 6 and 8 year old?
Me: Attitude with friends is how you look at them, how you sound with your words, what words you choose, and how you talk about them when they are not around.
They don’t respond – just keep staring at me with a look that says “maybe she’ll say something interesting”
Me: Personality inside of friendship is this – that each person has a different personality – just like each person is made different like snowflakes.
Boys: So personalities are like snowflakes and legos each different and each can go together if it is the right fit?
Now you’d think then the conversation would be complete on personality and its’ relationship to friendship and how very impressed I am with my children (yes I am impressed), however this part I find is far from complete. Here are the questions that arise off of this…
Boys: What if personalities don’t click like different size legos don’t’ click together?
(I pause… knowing that in their life they will find out that sadly many times legos, I mean friendships, don’t click and fit)
Me: I have seen this happen in my long life and Mommy doesn’t really have all the answers on this one because I am still learning about it all, but what I do know is patience, kindness, trust, loyalty, honesty, respect can be a part of anyone’s personality if they choose so all personalities should be able to “click like legos”
Boys: Why don’t they then? Why don’t they all click, what is wrong?
I now, in this specific moment, know what my mother meant when I was young “You may not understand now but someday you will… honey you should never have to explain friendship it should just “be”, but someday you will have to because acceptance of a person’s looks, beliefs, background, family, financial status, life goals, and more will become a challenge and a challenge that some people as they grow up will lose at times because they have closed their eyes to it and they have lost the ability to be fair, balanced, and respectful to everyone”
So back to the conversation with boys… I now know what my mom was trying to tell me… I hope
Me: Because sometimes each person may have a moment of selfishness and do something for themselves first instead of looking out for their friends…like when you are playing scooters and you race to the front even though you know your friend will get knocked over…
They both looked at me with eyes that said “We would never do that… (yeah right I tell them… people are human and we just need to know when we make a choice like that if you feel bad – sincerely bad and know it was wrong that you must own it, acknowledge it, apologize and move on)…
Me: Listen you are going to have lots of friends and you should treat and talk to all of them the same – with respect, sincerity, kindness, and know that if you do something that wasn’t right – make sure to show your friend how sorry you feel and how bad you feel (but only do it if you mean it – never ever fake an apology just to be “friends” again, because then you aren’t being a good friend – you are lying to yourself and them.. not nice)
Boys: What happens if we don’t want to be friends with someone?
Me: Well, I guess you need to figure out why you don’t want to be friends and then you need to decide if that is a good enough reason or if there is other reasons that you can talk about and maybe work it out… now if this friend is doing naughty things or mean things to themselves or others – first be safe, second let them know you don’t agree and if they don’t change then don’t be around them anymore
Boys: Does that mean that we aren’t their friend anymore? Does that mean that now we are the mean ones?
Here is where I have an ah-ha moment from what my mom had said
Me: If you let them know you care about them but that you don’t support what they are doing you are not a bad friend or the mean one – you are being honest with them and you are standing for yourself and what is right.
Boys: Yeah, mom – we don’t get it, it still doesn’t make sense…
Me: I know, someday it might and probably will and until then keep asking questions and always be true to yourself, work on using the right words and respecting all people.
Boys: Can we go play outside now?
Me: Of course… behave, be nice, and have fun.
Reflecting on it all as they run out to the yard this is what my thoughts are:
I have many things to learn in my old age of 30something, but I know these things for rock solid truth: My best friend is my husband, my world is my children, my internal core is my belief in God, and my future is anything I believe it to be. There are still many things that will be discovered about friendship. I think of my Poppi who at the age of 91 traveled with me to his home state of Ohio to visit Grammy’s grave and see 2 friends that they had known for over 50 years. He told me on the plane trip there that he knew this was going to be the last time he would see them and he wanted them to know that he appreciated them even though they didn’t always agree with him. He said that he wanted them to know that they were true friends and they made his life and Grammy’s life better. I remember tearing up when he told me all this, I remember crying as I watched them sit in the hotel lobby talking and laughing, I cried even harder, sitting in the other room, as I watched them say good bye… but the thing is: yes they were choked up but the hug and handshake - they were filled with something we in todays time forget - pure and genuine simplicity - simple… Poppi looked at both, leaned on his walker as they slowly stood with their individual cane and walker, took their hands and said “It was great to see you today – thank you for being a great friend” and then they left… Poppi told me on the way home later on some of the stories and disagreements they had all had years ago and that as they got older the companionship of friendship just became needed more and that the disagreements and different views didn’t mean as much… Poppi then said “That’s what happens when you get really old like me – you figure out that throughout your whole life – you never really had anything figured out, and then the bigger kick in the ass is this, by the time you do figure it out it is time to move on to the next life… that is why I knew I needed to take any chance I could while still here on this earth to let them know how I felt. Remember that honey, all the nonsense and BS is always going to be around, as long as you let it...”
So in closing:
Poppi was the best. Be a true friend, never judging, never assuming, always honest, always caring, and if by chance you are human and do what humans do (we mess up folks... it is part of being human!) Show true character: Own it and move on, letting all go… I guess that 6 and 8 year olds have something very in common with those ready for the “next life” (as Poppi called it)… simply friend with no nonsense in the mix.
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