Inspiration of a child
So I am coming out... no not that kind of "out". I am coming out to support me, myself, and I - because of the inspiration of a child - a nine year old son to be specific.
On 9/13/01 after 17 hours of labor I prematurely gave birth to my first born son. 9 years later he continues to amaze me in ways that words are determined as cheap and unfitting to the grasp of greatness he has within him. Maybe all parents feel this way about their children - I don't know, I am not them. I am simply me, myself, and I. A woman who over time has discovered nothing of myself, and lost in the daily to do's, the weekly and economic struggles of lay off, financial mountains that I fear the wish to move them for what may be on the other side... I see pictures and have distant memories of what and who I was 10 or more years ago... I was strong, vibrant, sassy and audacious, with the sense that no matter what came at me - I would always say... bring it.
Now 10 years later I have become the "quiet version" I guess. At times, it is the insecure person that I refused to let anyone see from my younger existence.... Upon my son's birth during that haunting tragic week in US History...my late GG said: "Make sure that baby boy knows this - tell him throughout his life, he will always have perfect timing, and he will bring peace and smiles to those he encounters..." I have told my son this many times, and many times it has shown truth in fruition.
In 2004, I had my 2nd son, again prematurely. He is a fighter with the energy of the energizer bunny... he has the humor of a talent comedian, and the heart that can warm anyone around him. I believe the latter to be his most endearing trait thus far...he will continue to show his amazing personal talents and traits for years to come.
With the love of my amazing husband and my boys, life became routine. Then life grew mountains like the Swiss Alps all around us. Within our 4 walls, surviving and conquering became a daily process to succeed over outside turbulence. After all this time... it is now no longer waiting for the bottom to fall out, it is a peace in our home that unspoken says "We got through all of that... This next thing is nothing..."
I tell you all this, to say this point.
Today I am coming out. Coming out to say that after all this time, I don't know who I am. Me. Myself. And I. I know I am a wife and a mother; these 2 roles I could not imagine existance without.
But I am talking about: knowing what I like, don't like, what my dreams are, what I want to do next, what brings out the laugh that embarrasses my children, and more.
So I am taking the step to find "me"... the first step is to start on any changeable factors I don't know or recognize or care for within me... the first is the non-adorable pockets of additional "love" that I have gained all over me... it is gross, disgusting, and I have finally come to the point past depression and anxiety to say it out loud for anyone and everyone to read. I don't care anymore what others think. The last show of discrimination in this world is fat people - of which I am one. No more.
My 9 year old son and I watch Biggest Loser on Tuesday nights... now I need you to know - I abhor reality shows basically because I think it is all staged and manipulated for ratings... BL may do that as well, however you cannot fake the sweat, tears, and physical changes in people... I don't care how good you are with technology and manipulation. I should review that both my sons are wrestlers, they practice 2+ times a week, tournament weekly, as well as workouts at home... they genuinely want to be healthy, and here I have become the motto of what is not healthy. I am not morbidly obese, I can still buy clothes at Target (though I hate everything in my closet), I still look beautiful to my husband... but at the end of the day... I simply don't like what I look like and have had enough and am going to change it. I am not ready to say my starting weight "out loud" here... but will be noting through here and Facebook pages the progress and programs.. I guess I just needed to share..., if you have gotten this far in this post - thank you from the bottom of my heart... (And I have got some great new funnies from the kids corner that will be posted soon!)
Much Love,
DevinAnne
On 9/13/01 after 17 hours of labor I prematurely gave birth to my first born son. 9 years later he continues to amaze me in ways that words are determined as cheap and unfitting to the grasp of greatness he has within him. Maybe all parents feel this way about their children - I don't know, I am not them. I am simply me, myself, and I. A woman who over time has discovered nothing of myself, and lost in the daily to do's, the weekly and economic struggles of lay off, financial mountains that I fear the wish to move them for what may be on the other side... I see pictures and have distant memories of what and who I was 10 or more years ago... I was strong, vibrant, sassy and audacious, with the sense that no matter what came at me - I would always say... bring it.
Now 10 years later I have become the "quiet version" I guess. At times, it is the insecure person that I refused to let anyone see from my younger existence.... Upon my son's birth during that haunting tragic week in US History...my late GG said: "Make sure that baby boy knows this - tell him throughout his life, he will always have perfect timing, and he will bring peace and smiles to those he encounters..." I have told my son this many times, and many times it has shown truth in fruition.
In 2004, I had my 2nd son, again prematurely. He is a fighter with the energy of the energizer bunny... he has the humor of a talent comedian, and the heart that can warm anyone around him. I believe the latter to be his most endearing trait thus far...he will continue to show his amazing personal talents and traits for years to come.
With the love of my amazing husband and my boys, life became routine. Then life grew mountains like the Swiss Alps all around us. Within our 4 walls, surviving and conquering became a daily process to succeed over outside turbulence. After all this time... it is now no longer waiting for the bottom to fall out, it is a peace in our home that unspoken says "We got through all of that... This next thing is nothing..."
I tell you all this, to say this point.
Today I am coming out. Coming out to say that after all this time, I don't know who I am. Me. Myself. And I. I know I am a wife and a mother; these 2 roles I could not imagine existance without.
But I am talking about: knowing what I like, don't like, what my dreams are, what I want to do next, what brings out the laugh that embarrasses my children, and more.
So I am taking the step to find "me"... the first step is to start on any changeable factors I don't know or recognize or care for within me... the first is the non-adorable pockets of additional "love" that I have gained all over me... it is gross, disgusting, and I have finally come to the point past depression and anxiety to say it out loud for anyone and everyone to read. I don't care anymore what others think. The last show of discrimination in this world is fat people - of which I am one. No more.
My 9 year old son and I watch Biggest Loser on Tuesday nights... now I need you to know - I abhor reality shows basically because I think it is all staged and manipulated for ratings... BL may do that as well, however you cannot fake the sweat, tears, and physical changes in people... I don't care how good you are with technology and manipulation. I should review that both my sons are wrestlers, they practice 2+ times a week, tournament weekly, as well as workouts at home... they genuinely want to be healthy, and here I have become the motto of what is not healthy. I am not morbidly obese, I can still buy clothes at Target (though I hate everything in my closet), I still look beautiful to my husband... but at the end of the day... I simply don't like what I look like and have had enough and am going to change it. I am not ready to say my starting weight "out loud" here... but will be noting through here and Facebook pages the progress and programs.. I guess I just needed to share..., if you have gotten this far in this post - thank you from the bottom of my heart... (And I have got some great new funnies from the kids corner that will be posted soon!)
Much Love,
DevinAnne
Comments
I must say that we have one thing in common, since I am not working I have also taken the time to try and find myself and what I really want and need for me. So you are an inspiration for me.
I wish I would have had the time to analyze myself sooner, but being the single mother for the past 17 and 1/2 years, working like a fool, and school took all of the time I had.
I am cheering for you!
Tiffany
I am so glad that you and I have connected!
Things are going to move along this year in an amazing way for both of us and those we love!
I am cheering for you as well!
DevinAnne