Another Parenting Checklist...
Yet another parenting checklist:
(Hint – this will apply more to those of you that are getting ready, will someday, or simply know people who have children this age…for the rest of you who only have relations to this because you were 6 or younger once – stop what you are doing right now and call your mother and apologize… you don’t need a reason or explanation as to why you are apologizing. She will know – trust me.)
Here goes:
1. Asking your child to go and brush his teeth does not institute clean teeth
2. It also does not mean that the bathroom will be clean; instead be prepared for toothpaste on the counter, in the sink, on the floor, and a whirlpool of water and toothpaste spit in the sink…
3. (cont…) because – left unsupervised it is by all means appropriate and of course required for children under the each of 6 to play with their bath toys in the sink, take all the towels in the towel closet to stand on and soak up the overflowing tide of fun, along with wiping their toothpaste covered face on the now not so clean towel/s. The child will then, upon you opening the door with a horrified look, begin to produce large elephant size tears and say how sorry they are, which in turn makes you remember when you did that at 6 years old.
4. Please also add to this the constant reminder that there is a garbage can in the bathroom. You will need to review its’ purpose especially for those of you who live with little boys. Me? I have no idea if little princesses are clean in the bathroom, but boys aren’t. Flat out – simple truth – no joking… not clean in the bathroom.
5. Avoid leaving any type of air freshener out period. … cologne spray, perfume, anything that as adults we like to use, depend on, and apply to make ourselves or the room we are in smell better
6. When asked if they can have their snack and drink in the TV room, make a mental note to get the drink back to the kitchen (or be prepared to find it the next time you actually move the couch or large chair to vacuum/clean)… yes you heard me – the next time, yep, just called you out didn’t I, oh don’t get defensive, please… so for the small amount of people - it will be this weekend…. For the rest of you normal people like me, you will discover the drink-juice box-pop-empty milk glass in about 2 months, which inside of the container will be a great science experiment of grossness. Good Luck with that (you will not be allowed to yell or “counsel” your children at this latter time, you knew better.)
7. Number 6’s lesson and reminder goes along with any time children are given, sneak, bribe, steal, or somehow trick you into giving them candy, ice-cream, or even gogurts… check under the pillows, the book shelf, in the middle of the book you have been reading (gogurt wrappers make great bookmarkers by the way… ) More on gogurts later.
8. When reviewing with a child on why they have to wear a belt, if the argument becomes longer than 2 rebuttals by them = let them go without the dang belt. The next time you remind them to wear it – they will. (This is not a theory – I have put this one to the test… it is completely approved, Target recording cameras also have this for official verification)
9. When shopping in a store do not allow your child to go in the bathroom by themselves. This is for many reasons, not just because of the stranger danger issue. Other reasons include what our mothers taught us as small children: don’t touch the toilet seat, place paper on the toilet seat, don’t touch the door – use your shirt (I never got that one as a 6 year old), wash your hands, but don’t use too much soap, the reminder not to drip water all the way to the dryer, and for goodness. Back to the checklist: With boys it is easy… 2 reasons to not let little boys use public restrooms without you (1) Stranger danger (2) The fact they will look under every stall in the bathroom just to see who is there
10. When giving permission to build a skyscraper ensure you ask the proper follow up question: what do they plan to use to build it. We as adults think too small. Children dream. Hence we would use little objects around us – blocks, books, etc… not children. They use chairs, tables, couches, boxes, boards, books, and more – not even in that order… as you can see again tried and not approved. Just looking out for you, your home, furniture, and of course the safety of your children.
11. At the time that your son reaches the age that the girls do not have germs, but instead he sees that they are very nice and that he wants to hold the door open for all of them, please remember to place an empty paper bag in your back pocket. From what I have been told the next 10 years after that will be times that you will want to hurt him, hyperventilate, and potentially pass out – the bag will come in handy.
12. The pets in your house not only serve friendship, responsible, protection purposes; they also serve as your replacement vacuum and garbage disposal (yes these are two separate things if you fail to make sure the top is on the garbage can)
13. Potty training a child is as important as teaching the child to flush. No additional explanation needed
14. Windex and 409 together do not get the milk spill out of the carpet. Again use your imagination – if you have 5 different ways that could happen – you are halfway to my experiences
15. Thinking you know how to help other parents is absolute insanity. Take some medication and be quiet
16. In reference to number 15, it is clear that I have not taken my medication.
17. As a reminder, when “helping” with homework, the way we were taught, verbiage use, etc… when we were their age is different than today. If you don’t know the answer – check the glossary or give the child a treat…(making him leave the room for 5 minutes so you can figure out what in the world the homework is and means and how you can still look somewhat intelligent to your child…)
18. When your 9 year old explains to you that you no longer know what looks cool for clothes on a child, take a deep breath. Let him know that he can figure it all out then… then let him try and do it… (but have a back up clean outfit ready and just leave it out somewhere where he might see it…) tried and approved.
19. At the end of the day when you are exhausted and so are they and no one seems to be happy anymore, arguing about that extra scoop of ice-cream for desert is not necessary. Note to parents: ice-cream helps coat their tummy and they will fall asleep faster… unless of course you are one of those questionable parents that gives them sprinkles and sauce, crushed cookies, oh and cool whip on top – then not so much… of course I have no idea personally about this… my children are always in beds by 11PM…wait … what? … Oh… it is so much clearer now… wow.
20. In reference to number 19 – of course I was joking. My boys are great and have provided much entertainment and learning experiences. At times I think I have learned more than they have so far – but regardless what have we learned in today’s lesson…. Clean teeth with a messy bathroom where garbage and flushing properly will not occur, however the bathroom itself will smell clean as the child will also be wearing the shirt from 3 Xmas’ ago and letting the dog drink the bath water while eating ice-cream and spraying down the mirror with pledge.
(Hint – this will apply more to those of you that are getting ready, will someday, or simply know people who have children this age…for the rest of you who only have relations to this because you were 6 or younger once – stop what you are doing right now and call your mother and apologize… you don’t need a reason or explanation as to why you are apologizing. She will know – trust me.)
Here goes:
1. Asking your child to go and brush his teeth does not institute clean teeth
2. It also does not mean that the bathroom will be clean; instead be prepared for toothpaste on the counter, in the sink, on the floor, and a whirlpool of water and toothpaste spit in the sink…
3. (cont…) because – left unsupervised it is by all means appropriate and of course required for children under the each of 6 to play with their bath toys in the sink, take all the towels in the towel closet to stand on and soak up the overflowing tide of fun, along with wiping their toothpaste covered face on the now not so clean towel/s. The child will then, upon you opening the door with a horrified look, begin to produce large elephant size tears and say how sorry they are, which in turn makes you remember when you did that at 6 years old.
4. Please also add to this the constant reminder that there is a garbage can in the bathroom. You will need to review its’ purpose especially for those of you who live with little boys. Me? I have no idea if little princesses are clean in the bathroom, but boys aren’t. Flat out – simple truth – no joking… not clean in the bathroom.
5. Avoid leaving any type of air freshener out period. … cologne spray, perfume, anything that as adults we like to use, depend on, and apply to make ourselves or the room we are in smell better
6. When asked if they can have their snack and drink in the TV room, make a mental note to get the drink back to the kitchen (or be prepared to find it the next time you actually move the couch or large chair to vacuum/clean)… yes you heard me – the next time, yep, just called you out didn’t I, oh don’t get defensive, please… so for the small amount of people - it will be this weekend…. For the rest of you normal people like me, you will discover the drink-juice box-pop-empty milk glass in about 2 months, which inside of the container will be a great science experiment of grossness. Good Luck with that (you will not be allowed to yell or “counsel” your children at this latter time, you knew better.)
7. Number 6’s lesson and reminder goes along with any time children are given, sneak, bribe, steal, or somehow trick you into giving them candy, ice-cream, or even gogurts… check under the pillows, the book shelf, in the middle of the book you have been reading (gogurt wrappers make great bookmarkers by the way… ) More on gogurts later.
8. When reviewing with a child on why they have to wear a belt, if the argument becomes longer than 2 rebuttals by them = let them go without the dang belt. The next time you remind them to wear it – they will. (This is not a theory – I have put this one to the test… it is completely approved, Target recording cameras also have this for official verification)
9. When shopping in a store do not allow your child to go in the bathroom by themselves. This is for many reasons, not just because of the stranger danger issue. Other reasons include what our mothers taught us as small children: don’t touch the toilet seat, place paper on the toilet seat, don’t touch the door – use your shirt (I never got that one as a 6 year old), wash your hands, but don’t use too much soap, the reminder not to drip water all the way to the dryer, and for goodness. Back to the checklist: With boys it is easy… 2 reasons to not let little boys use public restrooms without you (1) Stranger danger (2) The fact they will look under every stall in the bathroom just to see who is there
10. When giving permission to build a skyscraper ensure you ask the proper follow up question: what do they plan to use to build it. We as adults think too small. Children dream. Hence we would use little objects around us – blocks, books, etc… not children. They use chairs, tables, couches, boxes, boards, books, and more – not even in that order… as you can see again tried and not approved. Just looking out for you, your home, furniture, and of course the safety of your children.
11. At the time that your son reaches the age that the girls do not have germs, but instead he sees that they are very nice and that he wants to hold the door open for all of them, please remember to place an empty paper bag in your back pocket. From what I have been told the next 10 years after that will be times that you will want to hurt him, hyperventilate, and potentially pass out – the bag will come in handy.
12. The pets in your house not only serve friendship, responsible, protection purposes; they also serve as your replacement vacuum and garbage disposal (yes these are two separate things if you fail to make sure the top is on the garbage can)
13. Potty training a child is as important as teaching the child to flush. No additional explanation needed
14. Windex and 409 together do not get the milk spill out of the carpet. Again use your imagination – if you have 5 different ways that could happen – you are halfway to my experiences
15. Thinking you know how to help other parents is absolute insanity. Take some medication and be quiet
16. In reference to number 15, it is clear that I have not taken my medication.
17. As a reminder, when “helping” with homework, the way we were taught, verbiage use, etc… when we were their age is different than today. If you don’t know the answer – check the glossary or give the child a treat…(making him leave the room for 5 minutes so you can figure out what in the world the homework is and means and how you can still look somewhat intelligent to your child…)
18. When your 9 year old explains to you that you no longer know what looks cool for clothes on a child, take a deep breath. Let him know that he can figure it all out then… then let him try and do it… (but have a back up clean outfit ready and just leave it out somewhere where he might see it…) tried and approved.
19. At the end of the day when you are exhausted and so are they and no one seems to be happy anymore, arguing about that extra scoop of ice-cream for desert is not necessary. Note to parents: ice-cream helps coat their tummy and they will fall asleep faster… unless of course you are one of those questionable parents that gives them sprinkles and sauce, crushed cookies, oh and cool whip on top – then not so much… of course I have no idea personally about this… my children are always in beds by 11PM…wait … what? … Oh… it is so much clearer now… wow.
20. In reference to number 19 – of course I was joking. My boys are great and have provided much entertainment and learning experiences. At times I think I have learned more than they have so far – but regardless what have we learned in today’s lesson…. Clean teeth with a messy bathroom where garbage and flushing properly will not occur, however the bathroom itself will smell clean as the child will also be wearing the shirt from 3 Xmas’ ago and letting the dog drink the bath water while eating ice-cream and spraying down the mirror with pledge.
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